I got an urge to run around the basement jumping from pieces of furniture to... other pieces of furniture. Carrying out the urge lasted about 3 minutes, after which I did stretches on the ground. Or tried. My lungs blazed and my heart throbbed... ok, so it was a bad day. But more and more my days become like that. My body is unfit and so my mind follows. I think it can explain, in part, my recent bouts of quasi-depression.
Unlike a lot of music followers, I can't find significant reasoning to resort to Eastern mysticism and holistic medicine (well... some) in order to put the pieces of my health into something resemblant of "good". (that's a long way of saying "good health")
I tend to abuse things that take maintenance. I dislike maintenance. I don't mind talking about it. It's like prayer. But if it's a full-time commitment, "I'd rather not".
Another thing that's buggering the hell out of me is my practice time. A) I have a harmony exam coming up in a few weeks... I $#@%ing hate diminished 7ths. B) I have no immediate deadlines for violin and I'm developing a parent-child relationship with my teacher, so naturally, I tend to disagree with her. C) Time flies like a banana, or so the pun doesn't go. I don't have enough time in my day and I have to stop realizing it and do something about it. Me being the undisciplined person that I am... I don't foresee this happening. I begrudge the days where I am so busy I haven't the time to practice, and I despise the days where I have all day to practice until 4:30. I hate having to set time limits. And the truth is, somehow, I'm unable to fit three hours of practice into ANY of these days. I'm lucky if I get one hour. My other problem is on the days where I have actually got time to do what I WANT to do, I take what I want to do out of hand. = I'm just being a bitch, and if I really wanted to get my life in order I'd spend time praying about it every morning and then make myself into a freaking GOD and do everything right.
At this stage, I hate being human and alive and flawed. (All that seems rather unnecessary beside being "human")
I've started a violin journal, by the way. Maybe I can record how effing mad it makes me that my students don't freaking do what I say when I'm there. And they do the opposite of what I say when I'm gone, I'm sure... God, if I have to pray for all my students (yes. prayers is a gargantuan commitment, and I am the equivalent of a negative atom to a positive commitment)
I... am going to listen to old school Jars of Clay, in abstract hope that it'll draw me from my... vast inner turmoil.
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1 comment:
dear Jenna:
i think maybe you just wrote something from my head in the summer. if that makes sense.
and i'm glad i discovered this writing-spot of yours. i've been checking out your myspace and finding it very noiseless.
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